Guess where I found the Christmas spirit? At the MALL.

Christmas.
For the past few years, that word has always had a bad taste in my mouth because it seemed like the epitome of materialism. Altruism and kindness are intangible gifts, but one has to admit that money is essential just to let loved ones know that "you wish them happy holidays, hope the best for them, how they're doing, etc" via cards, chocolates, etc. [Side note--I thought everyone was incorporating and sticking to saying "Happy Holidays" because not everyone celebrates it, respectively but it makes me happy to hear people say "Merry Christmas" :)] Also, celebrating Christmas (or any holiday) has NEVER been an ideal situation--eff you "Brady Bunch," my Christmas was never like that! In addition with the many disagreements combined with chaos, my family's financial situation didn't make things easier. It seems simple--just don't give things, or just make things! 1. I don't have that time lol and 2. Do you really just give someone a simple present when someone has given you a nice ass gift i.e. kitchen cutlery or a computer? I was quite envious of people who got that lavish Christmas--stockings (wtf?? people actually get PRESENTS and STOCKINGS??), wish lists, ridiculously expensive gifts for those who fucking have everything, and so on.

To sum it up, my feelings toward Christmas were an amalgamation toward past experiences. I'm not completed rid of these "ill" feelings, but something actually broke into my hard shell. I was working the day before Christmas in the early afternoon, and it surprisingly was not busy (not only do hella busy days at work tire me out, but hella busy days due to crazy-ass-gift-needing ppl do too!). Of course, any customers that did come in were doing some hella last minute shopping. I know, that should piss me off according to my "belief" system, but what softened my heart so was how all the customers that asked for my help told me everything they wanted from this gift. For example, this one dad wanted to get his mom a bebe jacket, but "she loves black, simple things, but she likes a little bling." That was touching how he knew his mom like that. Then, this husband told me how he wanted to get his wife a nice bebe top that he thought she would wear to work, which would go well with how she moved (i think she was a hair stylist?). And on top of that, everyone was just wishing "happy holidays" to everyone else...

How interesting. I found a bit of Christmas spirit at the mall.

Today is a prime time for blogging

Heute (or yesterday, because it is past midnight?) fuehlte ich zum Arbeit, as if I was in grade school again. So many childhood stereotypes that captured by adult women--there were the girls who were best friends, "Oh ja, dies Hemd ist fuer meine Freundin, ja meine Freudin, nur meine Freudin!" and the girl who seemed like she knew everything, and then almost all the girls were so into the"it-thing, whatever the hell that was which was jeder Person ging zur Disko vielleicht? Aber fuehlte ich in meine Herz das "I was IN" or "Ich bin kuhl," but on the outside, I looked like the newbie. You know, I was the pariah. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't squeeze my way in. I felt so isolated and alone. And for some reason, I guess that's why ich studierte so viel, als ich eine juenger Kind. I lack common sense and I could never understand what the hell everyone else was talking or making a fuss about, so I did the one thing I could do: study (or try my best at it). Und dann konnte ich besser sein. Sure, I could tell myself that "Ich bin mehr kuehl" weil ich habe meine eigenen apartment with drinks, but... iunno.

Arbeit has been really getting to me lately, and vielleicht I've figured out why? I'm so used to working hard (because remember, ima loner) and getting affirmation and ich bekomme keine affirmation of a job well done from work, not in the form of Woerter but in the form of bekomme mehr Geld oder eine andere title? Ja, ich weiss, I don't deserve it, but I guess I'm used to knowing HOW to achieve that goal, and it's just frustrating (just like my studies) how i think i try and try and TRY (sprinkled with a few dreams) and plop: that's my only result?

Affirmation. It's all about affirmation, including my affirmation with YOTTAY. JA OB DU MEINE WOERSTER VERSTEHEN KANNST, DANN LESEN DIESE: ich bin nicht mit "YOTTAY" (<--ueben deine Aussprache!!) jetzt.. This is all I've figured out for now: Verdammt, Sie aber stop facebooking me bitte. To be blunt, du brachst mein Herz. Ich weiss, das letze Februar wollte ich "a break" aber dann in Maerz sagte ich "ich will mit dir sein" because my misery of being "without you" outweighed my misery from our Probleme. Then it was good, then es war schlecht immer, und dann ich sagte "i will NICHT mit dir" because I thought we couldn't fix those Probleme, but then you said some words that made it seem like everything was alright, and that I should stop being pessimistic and get over it and so i finally did. And then du sagst, waehrend das Erntedankfest Wochende das "wir sollen erst Freunde sein." like i said, du brachst mein Herz... I finally got over the pessimism, and opened up (and it takes me forever to do that) and here we are..? Wir kannst nicht erst Freunde, verdammt! If we talk, it'll feel as if nothing changed which is obviously not true; therefore, das ist warum ich wollte nicht mit dir sprechen. I feel like a broken record, kinda. Ich habe eine verscheidene Antworte, if you want to come zurueck. You can't just "peace out" then komme zurueck easily--wo bist/warst du through all the shit in my life? And another thing, it pissed me off because this was not "eine kleine Dinge," aber vielleicht it seems like that because andere nicht sind auf meine Schuhe...

Schiesse. I side tracked, but I needed to get it out. My point with YOTTAY and affirmation... with you, no matter how shitty things got, I could always some how sleep a little easier at night weil du in meine Gedanken warst...

I need some affirmation in my life.