Today is a prime time for blogging

Heute (or yesterday, because it is past midnight?) fuehlte ich zum Arbeit, as if I was in grade school again. So many childhood stereotypes that captured by adult women--there were the girls who were best friends, "Oh ja, dies Hemd ist fuer meine Freundin, ja meine Freudin, nur meine Freudin!" and the girl who seemed like she knew everything, and then almost all the girls were so into the"it-thing, whatever the hell that was which was jeder Person ging zur Disko vielleicht? Aber fuehlte ich in meine Herz das "I was IN" or "Ich bin kuhl," but on the outside, I looked like the newbie. You know, I was the pariah. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't squeeze my way in. I felt so isolated and alone. And for some reason, I guess that's why ich studierte so viel, als ich eine juenger Kind. I lack common sense and I could never understand what the hell everyone else was talking or making a fuss about, so I did the one thing I could do: study (or try my best at it). Und dann konnte ich besser sein. Sure, I could tell myself that "Ich bin mehr kuehl" weil ich habe meine eigenen apartment with drinks, but... iunno.

Arbeit has been really getting to me lately, and vielleicht I've figured out why? I'm so used to working hard (because remember, ima loner) and getting affirmation and ich bekomme keine affirmation of a job well done from work, not in the form of Woerter but in the form of bekomme mehr Geld oder eine andere title? Ja, ich weiss, I don't deserve it, but I guess I'm used to knowing HOW to achieve that goal, and it's just frustrating (just like my studies) how i think i try and try and TRY (sprinkled with a few dreams) and plop: that's my only result?

Affirmation. It's all about affirmation, including my affirmation with YOTTAY. JA OB DU MEINE WOERSTER VERSTEHEN KANNST, DANN LESEN DIESE: ich bin nicht mit "YOTTAY" (<--ueben deine Aussprache!!) jetzt.. This is all I've figured out for now: Verdammt, Sie aber stop facebooking me bitte. To be blunt, du brachst mein Herz. Ich weiss, das letze Februar wollte ich "a break" aber dann in Maerz sagte ich "ich will mit dir sein" because my misery of being "without you" outweighed my misery from our Probleme. Then it was good, then es war schlecht immer, und dann ich sagte "i will NICHT mit dir" because I thought we couldn't fix those Probleme, but then you said some words that made it seem like everything was alright, and that I should stop being pessimistic and get over it and so i finally did. And then du sagst, waehrend das Erntedankfest Wochende das "wir sollen erst Freunde sein." like i said, du brachst mein Herz... I finally got over the pessimism, and opened up (and it takes me forever to do that) and here we are..? Wir kannst nicht erst Freunde, verdammt! If we talk, it'll feel as if nothing changed which is obviously not true; therefore, das ist warum ich wollte nicht mit dir sprechen. I feel like a broken record, kinda. Ich habe eine verscheidene Antworte, if you want to come zurueck. You can't just "peace out" then komme zurueck easily--wo bist/warst du through all the shit in my life? And another thing, it pissed me off because this was not "eine kleine Dinge," aber vielleicht it seems like that because andere nicht sind auf meine Schuhe...

Schiesse. I side tracked, but I needed to get it out. My point with YOTTAY and affirmation... with you, no matter how shitty things got, I could always some how sleep a little easier at night weil du in meine Gedanken warst...

I need some affirmation in my life.