grateful, but i wish you could stay forever

[this will be a little blunt, esp because it will be released to the fb world but i dont care. i need to get it out]

so my dad's really sick right now in the hospital with pneumonia. pneumonia's pretty bad on its own, but it doesn't help that my dad has sleep apnea, diabetes, asthma, and on 10 different medications even though he's quite young (i wish i was making a joke, but i'm not.)

and even though we're all scared shitless, i'm hopeful that he'll get better. and most importantly, i'm grateful (to God, to fate, to how everything happens for a reason) for how everything has unfurled because honestly, it could be worse.

don't get me wrong - trying to hold up your dad (mind you, i am 5'1 and he is 5'11 and weighs so much more than me) then watch him go unconscious and try to lay him down on the floor without crushing either you or or mom as you try to call 911 is pretty fucking scary. but. it could be worse. im not saying it just to be optimistic, but i have some pretty bad memories of how my grandmas passed away. you know, sickness or some malady striking suddenly and you watch them wither away as the days, weeks, or even months go by. it's heart-wrenching, to say the least.

he'll get better, and everything will go back to normal.

but i know that that won't last forever, and of course, that breaks my heart. i love it when my sister and i come back to the bay, and when my family's together in the car, my dad's driving and my mom's in the passenger seat, and my sister and i are in the back just being goobers. i wish someone could take a snapshot of that and keep it for me forever. it's like we're back in the 90s, and im still 7 and my sister's 17. i cherish those moments SO much because it's the one thing i will never get back; i understand that those seconds and minutes are slipping through our fingers as we speak...

so i realize we're not a kid and a teenager, respectively, but 21 and 31. and my parents won't live forever. and no matter how independent and on-our-own we may be, they won't be there to protect us forever. they won't be our back-up plan for when things go really shitty (wow im making growing up sound sooo fun right now lol). i wish..

my dad's slowly getting better [emphasis on slowly] but i have a feeling that this is something that we will look back on in the future. i mean that in a good way, like, "yes that was a bump in the road but now everything's smooth."

the clock is ticking. i guess that's what they mean by "live like there's no tmrw" ? whateves, im not changing any of that lol. still will be hopeful, optimistic, hard-working and living life as i have been. never say never, even if it is bad (and i still stick by that decision and what ive learned from it)

on a funnier note: my family has to put on masks every time we enter my dad's hospital room (dude regardless, my sister and i just got over our respective sicknesses so there is no effin way we're getting sick again). my sister and i keep joking around "lets take a picture [of us] and put it on facebook!!" and my dad says through his oxygen mask: "NO you are not putting this on facebook!" ahahahhaa