Thinking of You - Katy Perry

Comparisons are easily turned
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on 
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you 
What you would do if
You were the one 
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy 
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in 
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you 
What you would do if
You were the one 
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you 
What you would do if
You were the one 
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes 
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through 
And bust in the door 
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...

Magic fingers, baby

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

i'm officially home!

Late night Quickly runs, jasmine milk tea, nutella waffles... I'm back in the bay.

I'm so so so SO thankful for the people in my life right now. I have never needed them as much as I do now, and they have been here helping me and so much more.

And I officially saw my best friend today. It feels like eons. And we just chilled like we were back in high school, watching her husband/Chester Bennington and the amazingness that is Linkin Park. And I broke down. and she was there to hold me.

And I'll be having dinner with my family soon. Oh no, we don't cook. Fuck cooking, we're all too lazy. And my mom will say shizz that aggravates me. And my dad will do rando shit as well. And my sister and I will sigh and want to leave that very moment. And we'll have our temporary weird but enjoyable conversations about the news or family drama. And all will be good.

I'm home i'm home i'm home!!! <3

Type-print-run

Know the sport?

Process started at 8pm.
Official paper writing at 12am
2 naps squeezed in.
Approx. 2 hours of sleep
8 page research paper for txc107.
Finished an hour before it's due
With the quarter's worth of data,
35 pages turned in total.
Made it to class
twix for breakfast.

:)

song of the moment - "Mad" by Ne-yo

my fall quarter08 playlist

So Excited - Janet Jackson
If I Were A Boy - Beyonce
Cookie Jar - Gym Class Heroes

Shake It - Metro Station
Just Dance - Lady Gaga
Feedback - Janet Jackson
One More Drink - Ludacris
Bojangles - Pitbull
Cupid - 112

Right Now - Akon

Under the Bridge - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Gotta Be Somebody - Nickelback

Ich fuehle schuldig.

Ach, vielleicht sehen Sie, dass ich auf Deutsch wieder schreiben...

Ich weiss, dass wir verschieden Leute sind, und wir haben verschieden Signifikanz fuer einander, aber ob wusst, uber was mache ich, werdest du enttaeuscht sein, und das werde zu viel fuer mich...

Also schlafe ich mit diesem Mann. Und ich fuehle froehlich darauf, aber ein paar Tage spaeter und ich fuehre aus, dass bin ich nicht besonders. Er hat kein Herz, keine Seele. Und er hat eine Freundin! Sie kommt aus sein Highschool, denke ich. Falle ich fuer ihn? Even if I was, er ist eine Person, ich wollte nicht zu meinem Freunde und Familia bringen.  

Das Lied fuer jetzt--"If I Were A Boy" by Beyonce. Warum? Viel ich fuer sein Fruendin schuldig bin. 

Meine Zimmer ist unordentlich. Vielleicht das ist eine Analogie fuer meinem Leben. 

ahahaha

I N D E P E N D E N T Do You Know What That Mean Man [X2]
She Got Her Own House
She Got Her Own Car
Two Jobs Work Hard U A Bad Broad
If U Aint On Sit Down
If U Aint On Sit Down
If U Aint On Sit Down
If U Aint On Sit Down

[Webbie:]
I N D E P E N D E N T Do You Know What That Mean
Baby Phat Jus Relax Front Ya Own Flat Screen
Back Rubs Cook Clean And Dont Make Her Make Her Scene
When U Call Her On Her Cellular
She Tell She Dont Need
Not A God Damn Thing You A Hot Damn Thing
If U Think U Finna Get Her Wit A God Damn Chain
You Insane Boy You Betta Get Some God Damn Change
She A Fool Been In School Even Walked Across The Stage
She Say I Love Webbie From His Looks To His Ways
The Stilletos The Jays Depend On How The Weather Look
Flip Flops Slippers Jus To Show Off The Pedicure
Flip Flop Niggas Depend On How The Cheddar Look
She'll Buy Her Own I Dont Think She 'll Never Look
In A Man Face Standin Waitin For Him To Take Care Of Her
She'll Rather Go To Work And Pay The Bills On Schedule

[Chorus:]
I N D E P E N D E N T Do You Know What That Mean Man
I N D E P E N D E N T Do You Know What That Mean
She Got Her Own House
She Got Her Own Car
Two Jobs Work Hard U A Bad Broad
If U Aint On Sit Down
If U Aint On Sit Down
If U Aint On Sit Down
If U Aint On Sit Down

[Phat:]
She A Dumb Dime Keeper
Gutta Like Keisha
Work That Meat Up
She A Good Freaker
She Stay On Her Shit
She Got Her Own Shit
She Dont Never Trip
All She Want Is That Dick
She Bossy Flossy
Keep Them Hoes Off Me
Gutta Lil Slang Mane I Love When She Talkin
A Independent Chick Do U Kno Wat That Mean
She Cook She Clean Never Smell Like Onion Rings
22s On Her Whip Oh She Do It Large
And She Break A Nigga Off Got A Nigga Spoil
She A Bad Lil Chick A Fly Lil Chick
Hit Me On My Phone She Like To Buy That Dick
Got Her Stunna Shades Lookin Like Something
Stallion Hair Long She A Nice Sumthing
She Like To Go To The Mall Everyday For A Outfit
Hair Did Nails Did Independent Wat She Call That

[Chorus]

[Lil Boosie:]
She Got Her Own House
Drive Her Own Whip
Range Rover All White Like Her Toe Tips
She Got A Pretty Smile
Smell Real Good
The Only Time She Need A Man For That Good Jugg
They Buy The Bar Too
They Superstars Too
They Be Like You Aint Got No Money
Take You Broke Tail Home
Baby Phat They On
They Clothes Match They Phone
They Be Like Yea!! When They Song Come On
Leave The Club Kinda Early Cuz They Gotta Go To Work
I Mess Wit Supervisors Who Got Credit Like Big Turk
So Dusty Feet Please Dont Bother Me
I Got Independent Dimes On My Mind Who Spoil Me
Coogi Hat Coogi Fit So Sick
Thats A Gift From My Independent Chick Yes Sir
Tryna Get To Her Gotta Be Yourself Mane
Cuz She Got Her Own Money
She Dont Need No Help Mane

Moralischer Kreuzweg

The problem is not recognizing the "wrong" versus the "right"; rather, individuals do know "right" versus "wrong," but the issue lays within taking the correct road.

Multiple Personalities possess me.

I feel like

Theresa, from Passions

Audrina, from the Hills

Delilah, from that Plain White T's song

the cock-eyed optimist, from the Dollanganger series

an optimist by day,

a pessimist by night,

a young and accomplished individual,

an uncertain college student,

a scrupulous citizen,

a lascivious "friend,"

the richest woman in the world who lacks the one thing she can't buy,

and the busiest person who still feels like she's not doing enough.

as people get older, i don't believe they fall in love. they just happen to find someone they "click" with, and they believe they should be together out of desperation. 

goodbye summer :)

I had the best end to my summer. I don't regret anything I did. Everything happens for a reason, and I learned so much. Growing up and maturing has been one of the most fascinating aspects of this transition called college. You finally get settled in high school and have your group of friends, only to be separated by higher education. You all spread out, thinking that everyone's changing for the worse, and it's so interesting how we're all feeling the same. But then again, people also change... it's not necessarily good or bad, it's just different. 

Christina Aguilera knows life

“some days i’m a SUPER BITCH, up to my own tricks...”

Or, at least she understands mine [my life].

(haha, it’s probably because we are fellow Christina’s/Kristina’s)

So, I’m still working full-time, and I hate it. Especially since I thought I was going part-time last weekend! I’ve tried to look past that minor change (eff you false promises at work), but my let down has really affected my week and work has just left me really frustrated. I’ve been waking up super early for work only to then go to bed a few hours after I’m finished with my shift to prepare myself for… work. Go figure.

Pretty much, I’m really hating life because my life = work right now. What makes me even more sad is the possibility that I will enter this vicious cycle of life in Corporate America after I graduate. For the rest of my life.

“but it won’t last forever…”

So I’m on my last full-time week of work, but it’ll end early for me because I’m going on a much needed vacation very, very soon.

“next day i’m your SUPER GIRL, out to save the world…”

I’m ready to have a few days of a REAL summer, as defined by other young adults around me (OH SHIT I’m a young adult now! When did this happen?? Oh yeah, on my birthday. lol) After some much need rest&relaxation, I’ll be ready for Apple, my amazing fall classes, ICC, and any other shizz that life is going to throw at me!

I just need to keep my head up.

"and it keeps getting better."

my summer08 playlist

"Independent" --Webbie

"One Step At A Time" --Jordin Sparks

"Back In The Day" --Ahmad

"Better In Time" --Leona Lewis

"Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!" --ABBA/mamma mia movie soundtrack

"Keeps Getting Better"--Christina Aguilera

"Get Back" --Demi Lovato

teen dramas capture my heart <3

Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill, The Hills (and the list continues...).

Sounds like your Monday night? Or your latest obsession with sex, scandals, and revenge but the ultimate return to true love aka those irresistible teen dramas?

"i hate these shows; they repeat this same theme over and over and it's just so in your face"
"yeah, but they capture the idea of love quite well."

They do capture it quite well, and I admit that I'm addicted, but certain scenes and their respective characters resonate within me too well: Serena, Casey, Heidi. I think I'm leaning toward Serena, which ::gasps:: ultimately means I'm getting hooked to Gossip Girl. Damn you Monday night living room activity!

Character development and dramatic irony. love it.

siza 6. MIA. ultra skinny.

What does my title refer to, you ask? My new dark wash jeans from Express, of course! ;) I swear, I'm not materialistic. I've just been working all summer to lose some weight. Let me explain: I definitely gained that infamous Freshmen 15 (or maybe I should say Freshmen 20--it started with my job at Baskin Robbins and all those free scoops and samples). I realized that I had to do something about this, but I didn't really take action until the beginning of summer. My motivation stemmed from snide comments from close friends and horrible family pictures.

So I finally did something, and I didn't cut corners--I exercised more and ate less. I definitely ate carbs, but my main goal was portion size and calorie intake. I tried hard to keep uber sugary sweets and fried food out of my meals. I slowly saw the results, and this new pair of jeans confirmed it--my last pair of jeans were these stretched skinny jeans from Charlotte Russe, size 7/8, and these new jeans, size 6, ultra skinny (which just refers to the style) and they fit quite well (so yes I can breathe haha).

I'm on a path to restoring myself the healthy way:)

Some things I've learned as I turn 20...

[Stolen from a friend of a friend's...]

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special&unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

[There are 5 more, but I don't think I've realized those yet].

i'm wrong... as always

Was blocking him out of my life really the best course of action to take? I don't want to lose him, but I can't see him as anything else than what he used to be. Hah, keyword: used to. I thought by blocking him and everything out of my life, I could move on and then start anew, but it has never worked. I still think about him everyday. I'm still living in the past, addicted to this fantasy and reinforcing it. Like a drug addict, songs and pictures reinforce this feeling.

No matter how hard I try to convince myself how good life is (and it IS--I'm content with how much I've grown with my mentality toward school, how I'm trying to mend other friendships, and definitely content with my Apple internship right now), I feel like nothing really is. They say "you don't know what you have 'til it's gone," and I fully knew that from the beginning, but why haven't I found something to replace it yet?

So the answer is "no," I haven't moved on yet. And my futile attempts to block you from my thoughts and erase my memories of you have backfired on me, yet sped up the process of moving on for you. I'm holding out, optimistic that one day... One day... I don't know. What the hell am I holding out for? I'm too scared to make any move!

I don't want to lose you, but I think I already did. [I fucked up. Big time]

----------------------------------------------------
EDIT:
In the words of my fav El Sal-va-do-re-an: "Whateves, I'm over it."

summer '08: solo

My horoscope from July's Glamour issue: "Solo is a good four-letter word right now."

One-third of my summer is over, and I'm getting everything I'm wanted...
Initially, I was going to take the summer off to relax, undo this burned-out feeling that I get every quarter, and be free from school or work-related obligations (i.e sitting on my ass), but my crazy I-bite-more-than-I-can-chew attitude (and my roommate) motivated me to apply for the Apple internship and well, here I am.

Like I said, I'm getting everything I wanted out of this summer. It's not easy, but I'm content. "Solo" is the best word to describe my current state, because I'm free of any distractions--I'm just focusing on myself. Training has been a little hard, but other than that, it has been AMAZING. It's a crime how much fun my coworkers and I have!! I'm definitely practicing my driving since I have to drive 25-40 minutes (depending on how fast I go) every morning around 6am across 3 different freeways. Rawr. lol

School is eh, I need to focus more obviously but I'm just chilling because it's an online JC course haha. I'm trying my best to take time out to see friends and mend friendships (but that's only here, I have yet to go back home).

I'm changing, and it's for the better (I think). My simplest transformation? Eating less, exercising more, and switching from Mozilla to Safari. Sorry Mozilla ::rubs computer screen::

"One Step At A Time"--Jordin Sparks

I've always been a bit old my age

[Credit to K. Hsu for writing this. I had to repost it, because the whole thing is so true--I'm just 19, but each word reverberates within me]

"'Twenty something...'
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure
and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.


You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared. You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not.

You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out."

OH HELL NO I'm not ready to be an adult.

The funny thing is that as I write this, I lose minutes of sleep in rebellion to waking up on time for work. I'll [try to] make this short.

Oh NO, I am NOT ready to be an adult.
Day one of training and I already don't like leaving for work early, doing the 8-hour shift and coming home drained only to realize I have only a few hours left to spare before I have to go to bed and repeat the cycle all over again.

Oh NO, I am NOT ready for marriage.
I'm not ready to completely think of the welfare of someone else. I'm just starting to learn what it means to be "selfish" and "think for myself" and I'm liking it. I'm definitely not ready to settle. I like having the freedom to move around.

Oh FUCK NO, I am NOT ready to have kids.
I'm not ready to take care of someone else because I can barely take care of myself!


Maybe all these protests in the form of "oh no, i am not ready..." are emerging because life is coming at me fast. You know, real life/the real world and it's getting to those around me too. It's scary.

[I know that these protests of mine come off as immature, but a few years ago, starting all of the above didn't seem like a bad idea. It's just interesting how as I go through college and reflect on my previous mentalities and see how others have to grasp the reality around them that this "Plan B" is a lot more difficult that it seemed. It's more than just sacrifices for the other and quickly maturing--it's skipping out on the one time it's okay to be selfish and irresponsible.]

But that's just me.

Graduation--As much fun as a birthday?

FYI I hate holidays and communal celebrations. Thank you to the advertising industry who plays the day up, and expectations that don't go according to plan. The only "holiday" that I really like is my birthday, because it celebrates (duh) me (I know, how narcissistic of me, right?). It is hard for the adveritsing industry to spit out "the ideal birthday celebration" (or maybe they have and their control has gone unmarked and accepted?).

This past weekend I went to see my cousin walk, and the event inspired me so much that I may add graduation to the list of celeratons that I like, especially because my time is coming up, Inshallah (haha i totally stole that from my roomie!)

Thinking of my own time makes me tear up. The accumulation of freaking out about finals, staying up late for papers, and running to catch the bus make the moment seem even sweeter. Congrats to the class of '08 everywhere, especially to my cousin (C/O 2008 @ Cal Poly!) and UCD seniors everywhere (my fellow TXC-ers and my lovely HC wahines). You've inspired me to work hard, achieve my goals, and graduate soon while enjoying the dwindling days that I have.

ps--I'm extremely thankful for the people in my life because they have made such a monumental impact; however, I won't let their expectations dictate life. I'm tired of doing things just so others will be happy. For now, I'm not going to look back; the person that is most important in my life right now is me. I'm only looking forward.

I bet you $5 that...

Well, I can't tell you, cuz otherwise you'd put money down on it too ;)

You may be miles away, but I sense the body language. My intuition and my amazing "data analysis" skills go hand-in-hand. If it's not both of you, it's at least you. And she will follow suit.

I'm not mad; if anything, this should happen. You deserve to be happy, but I can't guarantee that I myself will feel the same way.

When it come to that facet of myself, I am very protective, and because it seems that nothing happened, I'm going to take back my memories fyi.

So come on, let me bet you $5! Tell me I'm right, and years later, I'll tell you that you were wrong to do so =)

Montag würde drei Jahre gewesen sein. Na ja

The 2007-2008 "Good Life" edition

• Disneyland with b!
  
• my apartment with mel
• knowing that the first weekend back is the BEST time to party
  
• living up the college party scene
• The Comcast girl ("Hey Dad, wanna go shop for my car?"
  
• keeping in touch with good friends
• learning the "advanced tahitian" routine
  
• naps in the EC office
  
• working Black Friday at 4am
  
• good Bebe sales
  
• seeing my grandma smiling and finally at peace when she died
• my new year's resolution, and sending out those 4x6 memories
  
• declaring my major!
• partying with Susan the first weekend back
  
• Lake Tahoe with HC; eating snow and drinking white russians
• procrastinating on homework by blasting music and dressing up
• doing my SOC2 paper early, going to Singles Awareness night, coming home at 2am and finishing it up :D
  
• dc dates with dianne & susan haha
• romeo, the snake
  
• going to SLO for the first time
• getting off the train and finding out that I got the ICC position!
  
• the subsequent bonding with my family in SLO
• random gifts from my mom
  
• The effect of AP & H. Tran on my life :D
• The Federation on campus!
  
• partying at my place
  
• good drunken moments
• late night roomie chats and power walks through the mean streets and freeways of Davis
• grocery trips
  
• DDR and our otea; we may have not won, but we looked amazing as hell ;)
• my first comedy show at Bistro... Oh Kevin Camia--"It's hard growing up Chinese in America, especially when you find out your Filipino. 'What else did you forget to tell me, mom?!' 'Shut up, get in the van! We're going to Vallejo and you're becoming a DJ" AHAHAHA
• tutoring Mi-ae while she teaches me [about life]
  
• Tuesday afternoon bus rides with Nalien
  
• passing my driver's test and getting my license! yee yee!
• Avalon #8
  
• Na Keiki O' Hawai'i and the 2008 luau--SO (x 100) proud of you all. you have no idea.
• my co-historian Marilyn--we make an awesome team!
• the slideshow (it's pretty much my baby)
  
• TEAM WEBSTER!! Way to take multiple pictures of us on stage, kerri! we hung out waaay more last year, but people just get so busy :( that's okay. team webster for life!
  
• my TXC7 project on the Maori ethnic dress as NZ's national identity (thanks kerri & brandee!)
• relaxing train rides
  
• Smoke This
  
• good weekends back with b
• phone calls from lisa
• alumni visits--i.e. fujis with jenny
• getting new contacts and glasses!
  
• meeting my future co-student advisors and learning from the veterans
• watching and cheering on contestant #2 at the Miss Asia Sacramento pageant (she's gorgeousss ;] )
  
• graduating seniors who inspire me to shape up and fulfill my potential (i.e. Emilia, Leslie)
• H. Magness, from Apple Corporate Staffing, who called to tell me that I was moving on to the next stage :)
  
• Melissa's cowboy boots
  

The next possible thing? My orientation with Apple :D

It's funny, because at the end of the day I always lament over what I don't have, but as I look back on the past year, I have SO MUCH. So so so soooo much! I need to keep this high going because I have so much going for me; [I believe that] I have so much potential. You are only one major pothole in the road, among the myriad of green lights I can run. [I still miss us terribly, but] Whatever happens, happens. We'll just say that for now.

"This is the good life!"

What is "rice and beans" in Spanish?

I feel like I'm at a point in my life where everyone (who is in their 20s and heterosexual, that is) is meeting that significant other that will lead to "the one." Of course I'm happy for them, but I'm more shocked we're so young (relatively speaking) and such an important phase of our lives (i.e. the possibility of marriage) is coming up sooner than I thought--uhh, I still think I just started college yesterday!! And although those people who are lucky enough to be in this process are a minority, it still affects individuals of the majority. Intensify this feeling by 10 or 20 to see how someone in their 30s and 40s feels, I guess.


Makes me wonder when that'll happen for me. Carrie Bradshaw had it all, but also suffered the unfortunate fate of being left at the altar. Hmmph. So much freakin talk of weddings and marriage lately... It's funny--I'm trying to forget the past, but I'm an imagining an amazing future while I can't even stand the present.

Song of the moment--Jagged Edge ft. Run DMC "Let's Get Married" remix

summer plans? even i don't know...

Two weeks before I'm officially finished (with classes, with finals, with spring quarter, with my second year... OMG I'VE FINISHING MY SECOND YEAR) and I still don't know my summer plans. A few days ago, I was sure of myself: I was going to embark on a journey this summer to find myself and reconnect. Sometimes people get so caught up with working and achieving goals, that they forget themselves and their quality of life suffers. I think I'm still pretty young, but I know how to be a workaholic, and I'm already feeling the consequences from doing so. So this summer, I wanted to leave behind that old part of me--the part that hated going home (or even refusing to acknowledge it as home) and glorified everything associated with Davis and my newfound [seemingly] independence. I wanted to stop running away from everything that's doesn't go right, and have the courage to at least face it. The conditions to achieve that goal were perfect: I would go back home and not work, but focus on school and on strengthening my relationships with family and friends. I was so set on it...

But the possibility of an important internship has come afloat once again. Hmm. To be continued...


ps--I'm so proud of my best friend.

Thoughts about anything BUT my TXC paper...

Vielleicht sollte ich nach Milpitas diese Wochenende gingen haben. Natuerlich habe ich mehr Freizeit hier fuer meine Papier, aber habe ich meine Freunde da drueben. Aber, ich denke, dass ich Freunde habe... (Ich bin nicht eine gute Freundin)

Heute ist sech Monaten seit sagtest du, "Wir sollen erst Freunde sein." Warum fand ich niemand
haben? Ich fand dich nach sechs Monaten nach meinem exFreund. Wo ist meiner neuer Mann?

Ich wunsche, dass ich ein neulich Bild des meines Lebens hatte, aber ich habe kein. Schade...

ich weiss, sie wissen, aber weisst du? ich weiss nicht.

I need to immature

Sounds crazy, I know, but just hear me out.

Spring Quarter. A time to study, of course, but it's the only quarter during the school year that students get to enjoy the beautiful (or seemingly beautiful, if you have allergies like me) weather mixed with longer days and mr. gorgeous sun (i.e. tanning!) Students are either burnt out and/or ready for summer, which may be the prime season for young adult behavior. You know, staying out extra late, partying ridiculously with your friends, enjoying life with few responsibilities.

The past two quarters (which have seemed like eons to me) I have killed my mental state by trying to be very career-oriented and responsible. I have worked hard to fill my resume with seemingly meaningful contributions. If you were my interviewer and asked me "tell me about yourself and what you do on campus," I would proudly reply "I am an active participant and co-historian in the UCD Hawaii club, a volunteer for the ASUCD Entertainment Council, and volunteer as an ESL tutor twice a week. I hope to continue these activities next year, including a position as student advisor at the Internship and Career Center." That's a mouthful.

All the work [from the above stated] has come at a price. I was incredibly busy with activities, yet never had time for school. I made time for volunteering at movies, or attending practices, but the only friend I ever saw on a regular basis was my roommate. I would stay in on the weekends and wake up early because I knew I had obligations early Saturday morning; I was very responsible.

Well, fuck responsibility.

As I sit and think about my accomplishments, if I can even call them that, I am flabbergasted at myself. I have worked so hard at being a responsible and mature adult that I forgot what it meant to be young. They say "stop and smell the roses." I thought I had done that, but obviously not. I don't remember what it means to "go out." and see a movie, friends, or whatever. My idea of going out is eating out.I don't remember what it means to "go partying." My last time partying was sometime in February?

My roommate says that life is balancing act. I always interpreted that as "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." No, it's all about the marginal changes (i'm temporarily loving economics). I need to relax, because work is for people with jobs. I'll never remember class time, but I'll remember the time I wasted with friends (if I have any friends left... to my friends back home/in the bay... if you still consider me a friend... I'm so sorry for being MIA lately...). I need to stay out late, go out on Tuesday when I have a paper due Wednesday, spend money I don't have, and drink! The work never ends but college does. What a fucking hypocrite I am! This isn't the first time I've quoted Tom Petty, but I have obviously not listened to this.

::sigh:: I just don't want to wake up one day and think, "Fuck. I just took my college years for granted."

As shitty as some things may seem right now, I guess everything happens for a reason. I need to learn how to have fun, let go of some of my insecurities, and truly balance life.

My rendition of KC Cody's last article

This last Tuesday, KC Cody wrote some simple, lewd, yet astounding words--they were his current thoughts. I bring to you, mine:

My latest thing is insecurity. These emotions I've been feeling lately (envy, anger, loneliness) are my current insecurities

My knees are killing me (which worries me) and I don't have access to my beloved King Lounge.

My current is pet peeve are people who go to UCD and hate it because it is "sooo lame" but they just need to fucking open their eyes. KC Cody provides a wonderful article on my feelings right here. Oh, and I guess KC Cody is my new favorite editorial to read

Going Home Is A Dangerous Thing

The train ride to the bay commenced my spring break, and I had an Emersonian-like epiphany that I would live off my notebook and pictures, devoid of internet access and what not. That lasted for about 2 hours. Oh well. Here's a glimpse into my spring break:

[I hate to admit it, but I needed to get away from Davis. It just reminded me of how burnt out I was...]

[My roommate has fond memories of LA and everything that it means to her, and I finally realize that her LA is my Silicon Valley. A little weird yes, but I love this view from the train--a myriad of companies mixed with everyday life]

[::giggle:: It's a college thing.]

[Exploring the streets of an unfamiliar city]

[SUSHI! Duh, someone has to feed me!!]

[On the way to Morro Bay]

[Gorgeous shot of Morro Rock]

Going back is so difficult. I'm often hesitant to go back because I need to prepare myself mentally and physically. Breaks/weekends back are only good because they are so jam-packed with good things. Only the good things. It's so good that one might forget how it really used to be, and then wonder, as they are back to their respective school, "Why am I here?" ::sigh:: iunno...

Alas, I'm back, ready to bend this bitch over.

I've figured out why I hate holidays

For as long as I can remember, I've hated holidays. Why? Because holidays are usually occasion for family gatherings, and my family hates each other. Then why not just stay with immediate family, you ask? Because they hate each other, too! No, it's not just a "I-can't-stand-her-talking-with-them" kind of hate, but an actual "let's argue because I don't like you or anything you do." And it's funny, because the only time we have a "family reunion" and reflect and ignore our trivial differences for a moment is when someone dies. Real mature, guys!

Holidays are such a big let down. Eff you Brady Bunch, for giving me expectations during my childhood that everyone would be happy and just forget about their problems and understand the "spirit of Christmas" or the "nationalism behind the 4th of July."

And every year I stay with my family as hope that maybe, just maybe, this year will be different. No, fuck that.

So why am I writing this right now? Because I just realized/found out that Sunday is Easter, and that's the day I'm coming home back to the bay. However, the earliest train (that I know I will definitely catch without sleeping in too much) will get me there by 3pm, well after Mass with my mom and Brunch festivities with my parents. The thought of missing that made me sad... for a couple of seconds. My latest update is that they don't understand each other, to say the least.
Spring break back in the bay is starting to stress me out more than finals.


That's why I like my birthday. Just celebrate me, bitches.

Aaliyah knows best

I Miss You--Aaliayah

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57AjGfKtIuE

It's been too long and I'm lost without you
What am I gonna do?
Said I been needin' you, wantin' you
(Said I need you)
Wonderin' if you're the same and who's been with you
Is your heart still mine?
I wanna cry sometimes
I miss you

Off to college
Since you went away
Straight from high school
You up and left me
We were close friends
Also lovers
Did everything
For one another
Now you're gone and I'm lost without you here now
But I know I gotta live and make it somehow
Come back...to me
Can you...feel me (Callin')
Hear me...callin' (For you)
For you...'Cause it's


It's been too long and I'm lost without you
What am I gonna do?
Said I been needin' you, wantin' you
Wonderin' if you're the same and who's been with you
Is your heart still mine?
I wanna cry sometimes
I miss you


Now I'm sittin' here
Thinkin' 'bout you
And the days we used to share
It's drivin' me crazy
I don't know what to do
I'm just wonderin' if you still care
I don't wanna let you know
That it's killin' me
I know you got another life you gotta concentrate baby
Come back...to me
Can you...feel me (Callin')
Hear me...callin' (For you)
For you...'Cause it's

It's been too long and I'm lost without you
What am I gonna do?
Said I been needin' you, wantin' you
Wonderin' if you're the same and who's been with you
Is your heart still mine?
I wanna cry sometimes
I miss you


I...can't...breathe...no...more
Since you went away I
Don't really feel like talkin'
No one here to love me
Baby do you understand me
I can't do or be without you


It's been too long and I'm lost without you
(Tell me what I'm gonna do)
What am I gonna do?
Said I been needin' you, wantin' you
Wonderin' if you're the same and who's been with you
Is your heart still mine?
I wanna cry sometimes
I miss you

On the verge of breakdown #5

I could exaggerate and say that this is breakdown #1878934, but I'll keep it simple and honest by saying number five. How do I know that this is my fifth breakdown? Because I have one every quarter ever since I entered this institution called "college." There are ups and downs to everything, and the "ups" to college are numerous , but the "downs" are severe.

I can feel it, I'm on the verge of breakdown for this quarter. Fuck school. Yeah, just like Dane Cook says "Fuck shoes!", I say "fuck school!" (On a side note--I should stop swearing so much. Apologies to the Hawaii Club and my roommate). I'm feeling burnt out, and I still have three weeks left (I'm a broken record saying that, but it's true)!

I wish I could go home for the weekend, but doing so would just amplify the situation, for the worse. I would lose time on traveling (even if it is just for two hours) AND all the shizz I need to do for HC and classes!! AHH just thinking about that stresses me out.

The most frustrating thing about every quarter is that I [feel I or try to] do so much but it never is enough!! If I'm not worrying about one thing, I'm worrying about another. As of right now, I know in which direction I want my college career to veer toward. Also, I know what I need to do in order to get there, but the problem is i'm not doing it. I'm hustling, and trying to organize, and focus, and study but it's just not ENOUGH! Focusing is the hardest thing ever... :\ I love being a student, and I love learning, but honestly, I think everyone has a bit of ADD in them after being in school for over 16 years...

Sure, I could cut extracurricular activities out, but I think its those events that keep me SANE. You can't expect me to just stay in my room all day and study. Who the fuck does that?! Not me! (I'm sorry if that statements offends people who do that... I bet your grades are much, MUCH better than mine.)

Poo on you school.

[Side note--I find it funny that, as I type this in King Lounge as I obviously procrastinate on homework, people are attempting to study and falling asleep all around me haha]

the formative years--junior year in high scool

Junior prom with PJ (we knew each
other since 2nd grade...i miss him---facebook me, buddy!)

sleepover at lisa's! Oh man so many good times at that house... ahaha this is my favorite picture from that night!!

happy 18th birthday heather!

band tour to Canada... haha so many pictures with tim...

junior retreat, and our skit. making the pyramid right in front of the FIREPLACE. haha

RIP Grandma Linda...

St. Lawrence junior prom with Sabrina (and Jon P haha)

I spent the remainder of my days with my trend-setter buddy on the hill...

JENN!! My favorite German buddy from England lol

The epitome of German class: nonsensical and funny

[Attempting to] study for my Chem final... If only Chem was the only thing to cry about...

The beginning of something...


Song--Naive Orleans by Anberlin

A few days after finals, I realized that senior year was very real and happening now at that very moment...
Senior Portrait.

I finally breathed... but not

I actually went out [and partied] this weekend! I felt it happened at a perfect time, academically. However, the overload of good memories and epiphanies yet again have my mind whirling, and so I can only give you a few snippets in the forms of pictures...

Hmmph.

how do professors feel when a student outsmarts them?

Maybe this gives some insight. (please click on comic for full view--there should be sixes boxes)


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cows & butterflies.

So my friend emailed me this thing called the "Tibetan Test," and it's one of those surveys where you choose unique answers, and based on those answers, they mean something. It was only four questions long, and it's supposedly a big deal and has to do with the Dalai Lama or something... Anyhoo the first question (and the only one I'll bother talking about) asks you to rearrange the following five animals in any way: cow, sheep, tiger, monkey, pig. I said cow, pig, monkey or tiger (or vice versa), and sheep. Cow means career, pig means money, and sheep means love. Ok so I don't really remember the animals, but I remember the translated outcomes, which got be pondering again...

Lately, I've been really ambitious and pro-active, trying to think of my next move, so I guess it is appropriate that "career" and "money" would be my top two, but that is what bothers me: In order to be ambitious, it's necessary to leave others behind and think about yourself. Of course, that's not ALWAYS the situation, but it's pretty much a prerequisite to think of just YOURSELF, most of the time. I want to succeed, but, in an oxymoronic way, I want to help people. Where is the altruism?? What about those individuals that I still care for...?

I believe in the butterfly effect--"If you love something, let it goes, and if it comes back, it's yours." Let me clink my glass and make a toast to optimistic goals: May I pursue ambition and career, while being lucky enough to have those that I want around me.

uninsightful, pointless, but true to my heart

I've never wanted something so badly that I can't have right now.
Pete Wentz & Heath Ledger (rest in peace...) are so fine, but a man like that is just eine Verliebtheit...

New Year's Resolutions (und ehemalige Probleme)

A bit delayed, I know, but they had to coincide with the beginning of the quarter!

1. Focus on me. I need selfish time
2. Use my credit card less. Like, a LOT less.
3. Get on that road to independence, figuratively AND literally.
4. Try to reconnect with old friends
5. Less energy drinks!
6. Run over past fears.
7. Focus on me. It's all about me.

This list will continue! :)

DU bist so ein Problem!! I don't like to be so definitive about things, but ich will nicht dich zu sehen. Ja, whatevskis, "Ich habe keine offen Kopf," aber du bringst mir durcheinander and I don't need that. Ja, und ich sah die Bilder! Whateveskis, go and bond mit meine letze Freund ueber wie ich handele romantische Bindungen, aber ich sorge nicht. Ich hoffe, dass meine Liebe auf Kleiddungstuecke dich zu abloesen werde. Shallow, yes, but I need it zu abfuellen das Drecksloch im Herz.

Ja ich hatte die selbe Haftungen, aber ich dachte, dass du nie die Woerter sagen wollte...

vielleicht 8. Practice German?

Eulogies

I have a thing against eulogies, just like I have a thing against Rachael Ray, but that's another story. It bothers me that after people pass away, those who survive them only speak about the good that they did. It makes sense it only speak about the good, I mean, why would you want to tarnish the name of the deceased? But still, I feel like it's not acknowledging the pink elephant in the room. I just feel like some eulogies are white lies, but I'm not stating that in the title because I don't feel that is applicable to ALL eulogies, just some, so if you've written or read a eulogy, please don't attack me, just hear me out.

My grandma Belen (her real name was Avelina, I don't understand how the hell we got "Belen") passed away on 12/30/07, and her memorial mass/service was on January 5th. One of my cousins prepared a nice recollection on her last few days (on her zeal for living), and my sister and my mom had the courage to stand up, say a few words (although teary), and have their peace. I refused to go up because of my "belief," and I was just a crying mess, but good thing my cousin Vince went up there. Sorry to play favoritism, but I liked his speech a lot, and my dad agrees with me, because it was honest. He said how he was close to my grandma, but it's a bit hard to testify to that since he moved around a lot, and he made a point not to lose touch with your relatives, because it's such a shame when there's a disconnect, and the next time you meet are at events like funerals. I LOVED his words. Perhaps others might think that "at a eulogy you should only speak of the good, and not take this time to lecture people," but no fuck that, that's why I loved his words even more, because we were receiving the TRUTH at a vulnerable time, and we can't run anywhere but listen and accept. I would compare those words to lemon juice on a wound, but his words were not acidic like that.

Of course, I wish a little that I had spoken some words, but I knew that I was far too emotional to say anything decent. I'm a bit more composed, and here's what I would say:
"Every time my grandma got a visit at the nursing home, she always looked so happy, whether it was me visiting, or my sister, or my auntie aida and family. But... that was the only time she ever looked happy. To be honest, my grandma seemed kinda bitter in her old age. I can kinda see why--to raise four freakin kids as best as she could, to live her adult life without companionship (my grandpa freakin left her... JERK.), to have the courage to move out of your comfortable bubble that has been the Philippines for the past 50 years and finally get to this country called "America," and so on. I don't remember the last thing she said to me, but I remembered that whenever I tried to sit and have a nice conversation with her, the only thing she'd tell me was "how difficult it is to be old." (and im a little scared by what she told me) I mean, what am I supposed to say to that? I can't say "I know" because I'm 19, I'm nowhere near 85! But if she was really that bitter about life, I don't think she would have lived as long as she did. My grandma is 85 years old and still a cutie. Actually, she's quite gorgeous. Maybe I shouldn't characterize her completely as bitter, because my cousin Isaiah was right, she did have gusto on occassion.

So that's my grandma--an aged and seemingly-bitter woman, with the mindset of someone born and raised in the Philippines, and had gusto for checking out Ross and perusing the jewelry section. Maybe that's not the way I should be describing my grandma, but that sounds like a woman who had a life well-traveled. It may have not been easy, but it was interesting, to say the least. I wish you could've seen my grandma's face the morning she passed, because she looked SO peaceful... she looked like she was sleepinG. (i thought she would wake up, but I was wrong, haha). she looked like she had a good life here with us. i hope she's enjoying time up there."

If you must comment, please don't give your condolences--my grandma was at peace, and that makes me happy for her.