I've always been a bit old my age

[Credit to K. Hsu for writing this. I had to repost it, because the whole thing is so true--I'm just 19, but each word reverberates within me]

"'Twenty something...'
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure
and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.


You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared. You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not.

You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out."

OH HELL NO I'm not ready to be an adult.

The funny thing is that as I write this, I lose minutes of sleep in rebellion to waking up on time for work. I'll [try to] make this short.

Oh NO, I am NOT ready to be an adult.
Day one of training and I already don't like leaving for work early, doing the 8-hour shift and coming home drained only to realize I have only a few hours left to spare before I have to go to bed and repeat the cycle all over again.

Oh NO, I am NOT ready for marriage.
I'm not ready to completely think of the welfare of someone else. I'm just starting to learn what it means to be "selfish" and "think for myself" and I'm liking it. I'm definitely not ready to settle. I like having the freedom to move around.

Oh FUCK NO, I am NOT ready to have kids.
I'm not ready to take care of someone else because I can barely take care of myself!


Maybe all these protests in the form of "oh no, i am not ready..." are emerging because life is coming at me fast. You know, real life/the real world and it's getting to those around me too. It's scary.

[I know that these protests of mine come off as immature, but a few years ago, starting all of the above didn't seem like a bad idea. It's just interesting how as I go through college and reflect on my previous mentalities and see how others have to grasp the reality around them that this "Plan B" is a lot more difficult that it seemed. It's more than just sacrifices for the other and quickly maturing--it's skipping out on the one time it's okay to be selfish and irresponsible.]

But that's just me.

Graduation--As much fun as a birthday?

FYI I hate holidays and communal celebrations. Thank you to the advertising industry who plays the day up, and expectations that don't go according to plan. The only "holiday" that I really like is my birthday, because it celebrates (duh) me (I know, how narcissistic of me, right?). It is hard for the adveritsing industry to spit out "the ideal birthday celebration" (or maybe they have and their control has gone unmarked and accepted?).

This past weekend I went to see my cousin walk, and the event inspired me so much that I may add graduation to the list of celeratons that I like, especially because my time is coming up, Inshallah (haha i totally stole that from my roomie!)

Thinking of my own time makes me tear up. The accumulation of freaking out about finals, staying up late for papers, and running to catch the bus make the moment seem even sweeter. Congrats to the class of '08 everywhere, especially to my cousin (C/O 2008 @ Cal Poly!) and UCD seniors everywhere (my fellow TXC-ers and my lovely HC wahines). You've inspired me to work hard, achieve my goals, and graduate soon while enjoying the dwindling days that I have.

ps--I'm extremely thankful for the people in my life because they have made such a monumental impact; however, I won't let their expectations dictate life. I'm tired of doing things just so others will be happy. For now, I'm not going to look back; the person that is most important in my life right now is me. I'm only looking forward.

I bet you $5 that...

Well, I can't tell you, cuz otherwise you'd put money down on it too ;)

You may be miles away, but I sense the body language. My intuition and my amazing "data analysis" skills go hand-in-hand. If it's not both of you, it's at least you. And she will follow suit.

I'm not mad; if anything, this should happen. You deserve to be happy, but I can't guarantee that I myself will feel the same way.

When it come to that facet of myself, I am very protective, and because it seems that nothing happened, I'm going to take back my memories fyi.

So come on, let me bet you $5! Tell me I'm right, and years later, I'll tell you that you were wrong to do so =)

Montag würde drei Jahre gewesen sein. Na ja

The 2007-2008 "Good Life" edition

• Disneyland with b!
  
• my apartment with mel
• knowing that the first weekend back is the BEST time to party
  
• living up the college party scene
• The Comcast girl ("Hey Dad, wanna go shop for my car?"
  
• keeping in touch with good friends
• learning the "advanced tahitian" routine
  
• naps in the EC office
  
• working Black Friday at 4am
  
• good Bebe sales
  
• seeing my grandma smiling and finally at peace when she died
• my new year's resolution, and sending out those 4x6 memories
  
• declaring my major!
• partying with Susan the first weekend back
  
• Lake Tahoe with HC; eating snow and drinking white russians
• procrastinating on homework by blasting music and dressing up
• doing my SOC2 paper early, going to Singles Awareness night, coming home at 2am and finishing it up :D
  
• dc dates with dianne & susan haha
• romeo, the snake
  
• going to SLO for the first time
• getting off the train and finding out that I got the ICC position!
  
• the subsequent bonding with my family in SLO
• random gifts from my mom
  
• The effect of AP & H. Tran on my life :D
• The Federation on campus!
  
• partying at my place
  
• good drunken moments
• late night roomie chats and power walks through the mean streets and freeways of Davis
• grocery trips
  
• DDR and our otea; we may have not won, but we looked amazing as hell ;)
• my first comedy show at Bistro... Oh Kevin Camia--"It's hard growing up Chinese in America, especially when you find out your Filipino. 'What else did you forget to tell me, mom?!' 'Shut up, get in the van! We're going to Vallejo and you're becoming a DJ" AHAHAHA
• tutoring Mi-ae while she teaches me [about life]
  
• Tuesday afternoon bus rides with Nalien
  
• passing my driver's test and getting my license! yee yee!
• Avalon #8
  
• Na Keiki O' Hawai'i and the 2008 luau--SO (x 100) proud of you all. you have no idea.
• my co-historian Marilyn--we make an awesome team!
• the slideshow (it's pretty much my baby)
  
• TEAM WEBSTER!! Way to take multiple pictures of us on stage, kerri! we hung out waaay more last year, but people just get so busy :( that's okay. team webster for life!
  
• my TXC7 project on the Maori ethnic dress as NZ's national identity (thanks kerri & brandee!)
• relaxing train rides
  
• Smoke This
  
• good weekends back with b
• phone calls from lisa
• alumni visits--i.e. fujis with jenny
• getting new contacts and glasses!
  
• meeting my future co-student advisors and learning from the veterans
• watching and cheering on contestant #2 at the Miss Asia Sacramento pageant (she's gorgeousss ;] )
  
• graduating seniors who inspire me to shape up and fulfill my potential (i.e. Emilia, Leslie)
• H. Magness, from Apple Corporate Staffing, who called to tell me that I was moving on to the next stage :)
  
• Melissa's cowboy boots
  

The next possible thing? My orientation with Apple :D

It's funny, because at the end of the day I always lament over what I don't have, but as I look back on the past year, I have SO MUCH. So so so soooo much! I need to keep this high going because I have so much going for me; [I believe that] I have so much potential. You are only one major pothole in the road, among the myriad of green lights I can run. [I still miss us terribly, but] Whatever happens, happens. We'll just say that for now.

"This is the good life!"

What is "rice and beans" in Spanish?

I feel like I'm at a point in my life where everyone (who is in their 20s and heterosexual, that is) is meeting that significant other that will lead to "the one." Of course I'm happy for them, but I'm more shocked we're so young (relatively speaking) and such an important phase of our lives (i.e. the possibility of marriage) is coming up sooner than I thought--uhh, I still think I just started college yesterday!! And although those people who are lucky enough to be in this process are a minority, it still affects individuals of the majority. Intensify this feeling by 10 or 20 to see how someone in their 30s and 40s feels, I guess.


Makes me wonder when that'll happen for me. Carrie Bradshaw had it all, but also suffered the unfortunate fate of being left at the altar. Hmmph. So much freakin talk of weddings and marriage lately... It's funny--I'm trying to forget the past, but I'm an imagining an amazing future while I can't even stand the present.

Song of the moment--Jagged Edge ft. Run DMC "Let's Get Married" remix